Don't mess with this mummy.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


Okay so I am in a pact with 2 good friends to all get pregnant around the same time, which happens to be in the next 2 months.  I want this sooo bad and he does to but hubs and I are working through some issues and we both want another child, but we don't want this child to be what drives us apart or have it just to try to keep things together.  We are so torn.

Another issue is that I am at my heaviest in my entire life and I wanted to at least my pre-pregnancy weight before I had munchkin, before I got pregnant again.  At this weight I will be a high risk pregnancy and have to have lots of extra tests and be talked to like a loser by an OB because I got preggers at this weight.  I don't want to wait 2 years before I get preggers so I can loose some weight, because that is how long it will take to get off how much I want.  We also don't have the money to eat healthy, because hubs has a job but not bringing in enough money or hours to support the family atm.

That is another issue, money, we have enough to support a child as we have all we need equipment wise and I hope to breastfeed and we have all of munchkins clothes from birth to now.  So in those ways we are fine but it's just the worry of being short is killing us.  I have finished my program so I can get a job in my field, but there are none open right now, and the amount of time to get even to part time is huge.  And my parents think I should have a stable job for at least 2 years before I even think about getting pregnant.

And that is the last issue, my parents.  If I have even brought up having another child around them they shoot it down so fast that my head spins.  They would rather munchkin be an only child then POSSIBLY have me pregnant when I don't have a stable full time job to support me.  I have been a stay at home mom for almost 4 years and we have done fine, but that will never be good enough for them.  They want me to have a career, why they can't see that I will have one after my children are in school or at least in daycare I don't know.  I mean really, I am only 26, my parents hadn't even thought about having my older sister by this point in their marriage.  Why can't I have my children early in life and work later?  It means they will be out earlier then we were, I mean they are months away from 60 and my little sister is just 16.  At this point I want to have a the baby before I tell them I was ever even pregnant, just so I can avoid them haranging me about it for 9 months and what a bad idea it is yadda yadda yadda.....

Well that is whats going on in my head about pregnancy plans.  Ugh

Saturday, January 21, 2012

We got shat on.

So, hubby got fired, or laid off as he likes to insist I say.  They gave him sevrence but he got fucked there too, as they gyped him out of a week of pay, and put all of his pay on one cheque so they took off 1300 dollars worth of taxes.  We really could have used that money.  He has been job searching and has had some really promising, great interviews but nothing has come from them...yet.  Fingers crossed here.

Bright lining here though, we finally are spending time together as a family, something that hasn't happened in a long time.  I get to see him whenever I want, and small fry gets some quality time and has become a real daddy's girl, which is fine with me as I have been the 24-hour parent for over a year now.  Another big great thing is that small fry is almost potty trained!!  Hooray!!  Only took her to 3 1/2 to figure it out, and not scream like we are killing her every time she sits on the potty.  Hubby and I are so proud of her, as she really has taken to it really well and it seems to finally have clicked.  So she will be able to go to JK in the fall, which means I can actually work too, wahoo!  I am on my last course before I am done my program, and then I have a 10 day practical, then I am fully employable as a Sterile supply technician.  I am itching to be done, this 2 nights a week away and all the class work is really hard to do with a preschooler.

But mostly we need money coming in, already hit the food bank, and are ready to jump ship and give up, but with small fry we have to hang in there.  Ugh, wish us luck!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Thanks, I had a horrible time

I went to a baptism this morning where hubs and I were the godparents.  Firstly, it was a very nice baptism and we love our fiends and their son.  That being said, there was a pew for the parents and us, and it was already filled when we made our entrance with the child at the beginning of the service.  So it ended up being hubs and the parents of the baby being baptised in the correct row and I got shoved in the pew behind next to the people who wanted to be the godparents, but don't want children and are real stuck up snobs, so we were the god parents instead, yay us I guess?  Well definitely yay really.  So baptism went well and so on and so forth. 

Then went back to the friend's house for the reception.

Well from there is was the MOST AWKWARD get together I have ever been to.  The friend's families don't get along, so no one was talking to each other or even in the same room.  One family is the most pretentious snobby ass wipes I have ever seen.  The other is much nicer, but still a bit more prone to crazy.  The pretentious family has the fine china policy:  grandparents only come out for special occasions and no one wants to deal with them the rest of the year.  It was so sad to see them out, they looked so unhappy.  That family sat outside bitching about what family wasn't invited, and how they got calls from those members and the wife of pretentious saying "oh well it wasn't my place to be inviting people."  I wanted to smack that idiot upside the head so much.  May I also point out that the pretentious family didn't want their son to marry his wife, because they hated her and thought she was scum.  The pretentious daughter married a jerkwad, who live in the pretentious basement with daughter, they have very little plans to move out until they have their first house built, yes built.  This is one of those fucked up families.  Everyone left as soon as they could because they hate the friends wife so much.  They really should have had separate parties...

Most horrible afternoon in a long time.  I am sure there is more to the story to tell later but I just had to get it out of my head.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Anybody who would like to see it, let me know and I will re-post.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

It gets better

In the vein of the gay it gets better campain, I thought I would do a it gets better for SIDS parents.

In day one you think it will never stop hurting and in a way it never does stop, but it lessens greatly.
It gets better, it hurts less and you cry less I promise.

In year one everythign feels raw and exposed but I can promise by year two you will feel like the cut has closed, it is till tender but not so exposed.
It gets better bit by bit

In the time it takes to decide to have another child (if you do) it may feel like you are dishonoring their memory and that you are just replacing them but you aren't, you are mending your heart and doing thier memory a great honour by continuing to thrive and love yourself and them.
It gets better when you take care of you.

I know life at the beginning may seem impossible, but life will roll on with or without you an it is always better to be present for it, which is a present to yourself.

the intrepid crafter: [Birthday] Banner Tutorial

the intrepid crafter: [Birthday] Banner Tutorial: "Materials Needed: Scrapbook Paper Rotary cutter or scissors Ruler or straight edge Modpodge or glue Fishing line Large hand needle 6 crimp b..."

Friday, June 3, 2011

His story

I'll start at the test.

It was Oct 30th, 2004, and there is was, the positive sign.  I was 18 and scared, I loved my boyfriend, but this was all so unexpected.  I happened to be out with my little sister and boyfriend for lunch at the mall.  I showed him the test under the table and his eyes got huge.  This was scary stuff.

We actually considered many things before we decided it was too late for anything else but keeping him, then I had to tell my folks.  I was scared shitless, and they were not happy either.  I went and made the appointment to figure out how far along I was.  Before the pregnancy we had talked about getting married and it was just a matter of time until we got engaged, and we did just before the ultrasound.  We had figured out that I was probably somewhere around 12 weeks along, little did we know we were so wrong.

The wand on my stomach and we saw him it was love at first site and then we were told I was 22 weeks along.  Cue jaw drops....  She asked if I had been feeling the kicks and I really hadn't been and he even kicked during the ultrasound, nothing.  I had a lot to learn.

Fast forward to 10 weeks later, we have been told my BP is way too high and that I am on meds and bed rest at home.  It did nothing and then I was on bed rest in the hospital and it still did nothing. So I was off to be induced on the 14th of February, we thought maybe he would be a valentines baby.  He ended us being born the next morning 45 minutes after they broke my water with no pain killers, it was unpleasant to say the least.  But he was doing great when born he only had a little trouble with breathing at birth, he was perfect to us.  He was small because he was born at 34 weeks, but he was 5 pounds.  I stayed in the hospital for a bit till I was all better and I visited him whenever I could.  He was getting so strong and doing so well.  I will never forget where he was in the NICU and how nice and helpful all the staff were and I thank them as much as I can to this day.

He was in the hospital till he was just over 36 weeks old.  He was feeding great and gaining weight and being so cute and perfect.  So we brought him home and although we were in the basement of my parents house we could not have been a happier little family.  He was sleeping and eating great and I was getting int he swing of pumping and all that great baby stuff.  One night I had a freak out saying to my husband how I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was going to happen to him, we talked about it and just chalked it up to me being a little crazy after the whole ordeal of the pregnancy.  The next night I had a dream where I found him dead in the bed and I could swear it was so realistic, I woke up slightly and checked on him and he was fine, so I turned over and went back to sleep.
I woke up at what my clock said was 9:30 in the morning and I thought "wow he really slept a while, I should check on him".  So I turned over and saw his little face at peace and not breathing.  I immediately scooped him up and tried to wake him, I yelled at my fiancee that he wasn't breathing and we both bolted upstairs to the phone and called 911.  They had us do what we could of CPR, we couldn't get his mouth open, thanks to us both being CSI buffs we knew what that meant.  The firefighters and ambulances and police arrived and they took over CPR and we went into another room with an officer and told him how we found him.  They rushed him off to the closest hospital, so we held out some hope.

We waited in the family room and they worked on him, we tried to hold out hope.  Soon they came and told us that he was gone, that he had been gone for a while when we found him.  We broke down and held each other and wouldn't let go.  They let us see him and hold him in a private emergency room.  We had him baptised by our priest and we had the immediate family come too so they could hold him one last time.  We left him to be taken to another hospital then the funeral home, we were crushed.

He was 25 days old, he didn't make through the first month.

We mourned for a very long time and our life went on, together I might add, and we continued out life path.

This February marked his 6th birthday.  We still think of him everyday and we still love him.  He now has a little sister, and she looks just like him and I am sure they would have been great friends and probably would have been confused for twins.  Life does go on and we are living proof, sometimes the sad gets in but we deal and just look forward to the future when we can celebrate milestones with our almost 3-year old, smart as a whip, stubborn like her father, beautiful girl.  Although I always take time to say "I miss you mister William, and I love you".  One day we will tell her about him, and I am sure she will love him just as much as we do.