Ugh

Okay so I am in a pact with 2 good friends to all get pregnant around the same time, which happens to be in the next 2 months.  I want this sooo bad and he does to but hubs and I are working through some issues and we both want another child, but we don't want this child to be what drives us apart or have it just to try to keep things together.  We are so torn.

Another issue is that I am at my heaviest in my entire life and I wanted to at least my pre-pregnancy weight before I had munchkin, before I got pregnant again.  At this weight I will be a high risk pregnancy and have to have lots of extra tests and be talked to like a loser by an OB because I got preggers at this weight.  I don't want to wait 2 years before I get preggers so I can loose some weight, because that is how long it will take to get off how much I want.  We also don't have the money to eat healthy, because hubs has a job but not bringing in enough money or hours to support the family atm.

That is another issue, money, we have enough to support a child as we have all we need equipment wise and I hope to breastfeed and we have all of munchkins clothes from birth to now.  So in those ways we are fine but it's just the worry of being short is killing us.  I have finished my program so I can get a job in my field, but there are none open right now, and the amount of time to get even to part time is huge.  And my parents think I should have a stable job for at least 2 years before I even think about getting pregnant.

And that is the last issue, my parents.  If I have even brought up having another child around them they shoot it down so fast that my head spins.  They would rather munchkin be an only child then POSSIBLY have me pregnant when I don't have a stable full time job to support me.  I have been a stay at home mom for almost 4 years and we have done fine, but that will never be good enough for them.  They want me to have a career, why they can't see that I will have one after my children are in school or at least in daycare I don't know.  I mean really, I am only 26, my parents hadn't even thought about having my older sister by this point in their marriage.  Why can't I have my children early in life and work later?  It means they will be out earlier then we were, I mean they are months away from 60 and my little sister is just 16.  At this point I want to have a the baby before I tell them I was ever even pregnant, just so I can avoid them haranging me about it for 9 months and what a bad idea it is yadda yadda yadda.....

Well that is whats going on in my head about pregnancy plans.  Ugh

We got shat on.

So, hubby got fired, or laid off as he likes to insist I say.  They gave him sevrence but he got fucked there too, as they gyped him out of a week of pay, and put all of his pay on one cheque so they took off 1300 dollars worth of taxes.  We really could have used that money.  He has been job searching and has had some really promising, great interviews but nothing has come from them...yet.  Fingers crossed here.

Bright lining here though, we finally are spending time together as a family, something that hasn't happened in a long time.  I get to see him whenever I want, and small fry gets some quality time and has become a real daddy's girl, which is fine with me as I have been the 24-hour parent for over a year now.  Another big great thing is that small fry is almost potty trained!!  Hooray!!  Only took her to 3 1/2 to figure it out, and not scream like we are killing her every time she sits on the potty.  Hubby and I are so proud of her, as she really has taken to it really well and it seems to finally have clicked.  So she will be able to go to JK in the fall, which means I can actually work too, wahoo!  I am on my last course before I am done my program, and then I have a 10 day practical, then I am fully employable as a Sterile supply technician.  I am itching to be done, this 2 nights a week away and all the class work is really hard to do with a preschooler.

But mostly we need money coming in, already hit the food bank, and are ready to jump ship and give up, but with small fry we have to hang in there.  Ugh, wish us luck!

Thanks, I had a horrible time

I went to a baptism this morning where hubs and I were the godparents.  Firstly, it was a very nice baptism and we love our fiends and their son.  That being said, there was a pew for the parents and us, and it was already filled when we made our entrance with the child at the beginning of the service.  So it ended up being hubs and the parents of the baby being baptised in the correct row and I got shoved in the pew behind next to the people who wanted to be the godparents, but don't want children and are real stuck up snobs, so we were the god parents instead, yay us I guess?  Well definitely yay really.  So baptism went well and so on and so forth. 

Then went back to the friend's house for the reception.

Well from there is was the MOST AWKWARD get together I have ever been to.  The friend's families don't get along, so no one was talking to each other or even in the same room.  One family is the most pretentious snobby ass wipes I have ever seen.  The other is much nicer, but still a bit more prone to crazy.  The pretentious family has the fine china policy:  grandparents only come out for special occasions and no one wants to deal with them the rest of the year.  It was so sad to see them out, they looked so unhappy.  That family sat outside bitching about what family wasn't invited, and how they got calls from those members and the wife of pretentious saying "oh well it wasn't my place to be inviting people."  I wanted to smack that idiot upside the head so much.  May I also point out that the pretentious family didn't want their son to marry his wife, because they hated her and thought she was scum.  The pretentious daughter married a jerkwad, who live in the pretentious basement with daughter, they have very little plans to move out until they have their first house built, yes built.  This is one of those fucked up families.  Everyone left as soon as they could because they hate the friends wife so much.  They really should have had separate parties...

Most horrible afternoon in a long time.  I am sure there is more to the story to tell later but I just had to get it out of my head.

Certificate

Anybody who would like to see it, let me know and I will re-post.

It gets better

In the vein of the gay it gets better campain, I thought I would do a it gets better for SIDS parents.

In day one you think it will never stop hurting and in a way it never does stop, but it lessens greatly.
It gets better, it hurts less and you cry less I promise.

In year one everythign feels raw and exposed but I can promise by year two you will feel like the cut has closed, it is till tender but not so exposed.
It gets better bit by bit

In the time it takes to decide to have another child (if you do) it may feel like you are dishonoring their memory and that you are just replacing them but you aren't, you are mending your heart and doing thier memory a great honour by continuing to thrive and love yourself and them.
It gets better when you take care of you.



I know life at the beginning may seem impossible, but life will roll on with or without you an it is always better to be present for it, which is a present to yourself.

the intrepid crafter: [Birthday] Banner Tutorial

the intrepid crafter: [Birthday] Banner Tutorial: "Materials Needed: Scrapbook Paper Rotary cutter or scissors Ruler or straight edge Modpodge or glue Fishing line Large hand needle 6 crimp b..."

His story

I'll start at the test.

It was Oct 30th, 2004, and there is was, the positive sign.  I was 18 and scared, I loved my boyfriend, but this was all so unexpected.  I happened to be out with my little sister and boyfriend for lunch at the mall.  I showed him the test under the table and his eyes got huge.  This was scary stuff.


We actually considered many things before we decided it was too late for anything else but keeping him, then I had to tell my folks.  I was scared shitless, and they were not happy either.  I went and made the appointment to figure out how far along I was.  Before the pregnancy we had talked about getting married and it was just a matter of time until we got engaged, and we did just before the ultrasound.  We had figured out that I was probably somewhere around 12 weeks along, little did we know we were so wrong.

The wand on my stomach and we saw him it was love at first site and then we were told I was 22 weeks along.  Cue jaw drops....  She asked if I had been feeling the kicks and I really hadn't been and he even kicked during the ultrasound, nothing.  I had a lot to learn.

Fast forward to 10 weeks later, we have been told my BP is way too high and that I am on meds and bed rest at home.  It did nothing and then I was on bed rest in the hospital and it still did nothing. So I was off to be induced on the 14th of February, we thought maybe he would be a valentines baby.  He ended us being born the next morning 45 minutes after they broke my water with no pain killers, it was unpleasant to say the least.  But he was doing great when born he only had a little trouble with breathing at birth, he was perfect to us.  He was small because he was born at 34 weeks, but he was 5 pounds.  I stayed in the hospital for a bit till I was all better and I visited him whenever I could.  He was getting so strong and doing so well.  I will never forget where he was in the NICU and how nice and helpful all the staff were and I thank them as much as I can to this day.

He was in the hospital till he was just over 36 weeks old.  He was feeding great and gaining weight and being so cute and perfect.  So we brought him home and although we were in the basement of my parents house we could not have been a happier little family.  He was sleeping and eating great and I was getting int he swing of pumping and all that great baby stuff.  One night I had a freak out saying to my husband how I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was going to happen to him, we talked about it and just chalked it up to me being a little crazy after the whole ordeal of the pregnancy.  The next night I had a dream where I found him dead in the bed and I could swear it was so realistic, I woke up slightly and checked on him and he was fine, so I turned over and went back to sleep.
 
I woke up at what my clock said was 9:30 in the morning and I thought "wow he really slept a while, I should check on him".  So I turned over and saw his little face at peace and not breathing.  I immediately scooped him up and tried to wake him, I yelled at my fiancee that he wasn't breathing and we both bolted upstairs to the phone and called 911.  They had us do what we could of CPR, we couldn't get his mouth open, thanks to us both being CSI buffs we knew what that meant.  The firefighters and ambulances and police arrived and they took over CPR and we went into another room with an officer and told him how we found him.  They rushed him off to the closest hospital, so we held out some hope.

We waited in the family room and they worked on him, we tried to hold out hope.  Soon they came and told us that he was gone, that he had been gone for a while when we found him.  We broke down and held each other and wouldn't let go.  They let us see him and hold him in a private emergency room.  We had him baptised by our priest and we had the immediate family come too so they could hold him one last time.  We left him to be taken to another hospital then the funeral home, we were crushed.

He was 25 days old, he didn't make through the first month.

We mourned for a very long time and our life went on, together I might add, and we continued out life path.

This February marked his 6th birthday.  We still think of him everyday and we still love him.  He now has a little sister, and she looks just like him and I am sure they would have been great friends and probably would have been confused for twins.  Life does go on and we are living proof, sometimes the sad gets in but we deal and just look forward to the future when we can celebrate milestones with our almost 3-year old, smart as a whip, stubborn like her father, beautiful girl.  Although I always take time to say "I miss you mister William, and I love you".  One day we will tell her about him, and I am sure she will love him just as much as we do.

Time to pack.

So we are signing our new lease at a new place next Friday and I am kind of excited.  I am not super excited because it doesn't seem like a super great place, but then again we saw it on a rainy day when the walls were only primed and not painted, so hubby and I are hoping it looks better once it is finished.  I am happy that we get to be in a place of our own choosing and not out of dire need.

I hope the fact that we have to pay for hydro doesn't screw us over too bad.  I now have to do all the little stuff that is needed to move like book a truck and pack and get our insurance transferred.  I will go get things ready for packing now. Woo hoo??

And away we go...

So we are moving, we are moving within the city because this place coasts too much and we can't afford it financially or emotionally.  The emotionally because we are living in a house that a just over a block away from the house where we were living when our son died, we didn't think it was going to affect us as much as it did (duh, I know).  So we have an interview for a new place at a co-op in a part of town we love on Wednesday, my birthday, and we really need to get it.

On the topic of my birthday, I wish I could skip it, I just wish it could be postponed till I feel like it.  I know it is not going to happen and my family will bother me on the day.  Although I do know that my friends will forget, as they always do, and that always hurts.  Woo...Happy Birthday to me.....

Life rolls on...

Our life rolls on, more like trudges on lately.  We are into the depressing time of year, not winter but the time of the year were our son was alive.  He was alive and healthy for 25 days, and then he was gone.  Maybe one day I will tell the entire story on here, but that is not today.

Lately it has been stressful lately for the above reason and for the fact that we have to move again as soon as possible.  Not because we don't like it here, which we do, not because it cost too much, because it does, not because we are broke, because we are, but because my parents who own the house are being posted to Trinidad and Tobago and not coming back as they were supposed to.  So we are on the hunt for a new place, it long and tedious but we will find one.  We are considering buying a place but it is so hard to find a house for under 250k, so we are even looking at mobile just for not renting anymore if we can help it.  We want land so we can have a big garden and maybe some chickens.

Small fry's terrible twos have not treated her well, it has been hell up until just a few days ago and it seems to have broken, thankfully.  She is getting so big and talkative so fast lately it is crazy.  She expresses feelings and uses adjectives and talks in full sentences, it is amazing.

My older sister is due with her son any day now, everyone is so excited.  It is her first and she had a bit of a tough bit at the beginning, but she is now full term.  Her hubby is so excited, it is hilarious, he has been like that since about 4 months along.  I can't wait.

Things will go on, life will get better, I know it.

HP laptop sucks

We got a brand new HP laptop in September and it has had more problems than it's worth.  We had to send it in into HP to have the hard disk replaced in November, because that died.  Now the battery won't hold a charge, so they are sending us a new one.  Well how about admitting that the laptop is a dud and send me a new one?  Two major things and the laptop is less than 4 months old.  HP sucks and shouldn't be bought from.  I will never again make that mistake.

Happy Flippin Holidays

This is supposed to be a happy time of the year, or at least pleasant, but it's not even close.  Holidays round here are stressful and unpleasant.  There are always the in-law problems which will not go away till my mother-in-law eventually dies, which will probably will be sooner rather than later with her more than a pack-a-day habit.  We tried to have a relaxing time with not going over, but that is more stressful than going over.So we had our crazy, stressful, regular Christmas.  Then we changed something, for new years we did nothing.


Absolutely nothing.  We had a lazy day, we ate, we slept, we had a nice walk.  It was a beautiful day, both for us and for the fact that it was +8 degrees today.

We needed a day off so badly that we had come to yelling last night before we went out to our NYE party.

We needed and it happened, this was awesome.

Five days-a life sentence?

I received a door bell ring this morning, which I was hoping was a long lost friend who had said they would stop by, but it was the postman with a package.  I was initially excited thinking "I wonder what this is, I hope it's something unexpected", then i realized I was expecting a package from my sister-in-law and her partner, so I wasn't so excited, but they were sending gifts anyway so it was cool.
I preceded to remove the packing paper on the outside, being sure to keep their address intact because we had to send them their presents too.  I preceded to take out the presents carefully as to not rip the paper.  I knew that if I made too much sound the little one would be alerted to the presencee of presents inthe house.  We are hiding them in an unused bedroom downstairs, where she can't get into it.  Guess where little on was playing?  Downstairs.  So I had to try and sneak by her with the two presents, I figured it wouldn't be too hard, I mean she was immersed in playing with her toys.  I sneaked down the stairs and just a few steps by her when she screamed "PRESENTS!!!"

I will take a side note here to say that we don't place them under the tree with care because we know that she will tear open every present with no regard for anyone or anything, no matter what we do she will get to them unless we put them away, so we did.  We also realized that if they suddenly appear on Christmas morning, it will really be the whole magic of Santa and Christmas.  She is two so this is really the first time she gets the Santa thing and the presents too.

So after the screaming and me refusing to let her rip it open and me putting it away in hiding with the others, she preceded to cry an pout in her little cardboard box house, and refused to listen to me about the fact that she could open it in 5 days.  She continued to cry and yell, she wouldn't listen to reason.  She knows what the concept of tommorow is, and she will make sure you remebered what you said you'd do that day.  It's just any longer than that is just horrfying to her.

So my question is:  Do you remember a time when five days was a life sentence?  How fast does five days go by now?

Schedules

Okay so I come from a perpetually late family, we were always late no matter where we went.  I have fought not to become every member of my immediate family, it drives my hubby bonkers and it was a big thing at the beginning of our relationship, but now I have it under control. 

That being said I have gotten kind of anal about schedules and timing, especially pertaining to the little one.  I am part of a group where a woman sells her children's gently used clothing which happens to be little ones size that her youngest is growing out of.  So I scheduled a pick up at a mall today to pick up some clothes from her, because she lives about an hour away she only comes in very rarely to the city.  The meet up was scheduled for 2 pm outside a store and so I said that was okay because little one can stay up a little past nap time to pick up the clothes.  She just messaged me saying that she had to go to the doctor this morning so she would only be able to get there for 3 pm which is way past nap time,and if she naps in the car on the way there, I will have to wak e her up to go pick up the stuff and I can't leave her in the car while I do it so I am screwed today, super screwed it means I will have the crankiest child by night time.  I also have to go pick up hubby from work somewhere between 7 and 9:30 pm and have to bring little one.  So I am going to have a hard day and night and it is all because someone can't keep on a schedule.  C'mon it's not that hard, I promise.

Ka-boom!

I want to take the time to say Happy Thanksgiving to the americans, even though our was  in Oct, I respect all holidays.  That being said I am so sick of holidays interrupting tv schedules, yes I know this is bad of me, but it help me chillat the end of a day, so holidays thowing it off really sucks.  Also my hubby get really crabby when they eff with the tv schedules too.  Yes I know we are two peas in a pod.

On another note I am so frustrated with my MIL, ever since we left she has been such cunt, excuse my french.  I don't like to call people that but thst is the way she has been acting.  We try and be nice but we also want to give her her space and leave her be but if we don't call we are the bad people.  Soooooo that being said I am frustrated and tired.  I wish I could sleep more but going to bed when she goes to bed seems silly.

Anyhoo things come and go as life does, meanwhile it's time for her bath.

New house...finally

We finally got out of my witch of a MIL's place.  there will be no more passive aggressive crap unless I am doing it, yay!  It took of my will not to kill my hubby during the move, as we decided to move ourselves with no help this time, bad move I know, no pun intended.  But we are here now and everyone is happier for it, we are all less stressed and smell less of smoke.  Oh did I not mention that?  Yeah she smokes over a pack a day because she is "stressed", like all the time apparently.  And she had no qualms doing it with my child in the house, even though the deal was she stop smoking entirely.  Well enough ranting about her, it is over and done, no more, yay!!  The new house is still being unpacked and it's going to take a while.  Though I have a goal, hubby and I agreed if I could get the house unpacked we could turn on the gas fireplace after, so needless to say it is getting done asap.

I also realized as we were moving how much crap daughter has, like 2-3 BIG boxes of toys.  She's two?!?  How does she have so much stuff?  I guess it's probably our fault, but she is a little consumer too, every time we look at goodwill for stuff, she has to get a toy, it's usually small but it's some thing and those somethings add up to aparently 2-3 BIG boxes.
Well I guess it's time to clear out anyway

I guess it's time to get back to unpacking, ugh!

Halloween Caught on Quick

So she had her first real Halloween, old enough to understand the concept and want the candy.  She was a little angry at the costume when I first out it on (a super cute zebra, btw) and she was screaming till she got out the door.  It had snowed the day befroe so there was snow on the ground, and MAN it was COLD.  So she agreed to put up the hood of her costume which would keep her ears warm, even more cute.


I had to put her onto the first front door to get the candy, and at that point she refused to hold her bucket, so I was holding it, and I had to say "merci" because we were in Gatineau at a friends house, but once she saw she got candy she was all in.  She then started started running to the next house, holding the bucket, and pulling me along.  Daddy just happened to show up just then so she wanted daddy to hold her hand, she is a daddy's girl can you tell?  So she and daddy ran from house to house, and about 2 houses in she started yelling "CANDY!", so that was funny beyond belief.


She also started saying "allo!"(french pronunciation, of course) at every house knowing they would say it back.  Then about halfway she started saying "thanks merci", which I was so proud of, my little bilingual child....   That quickly degraded to "thanks much" which again made me laugh even harder because every single house started laughing too when she said it.

We did one block and a couple extra houses, and she was cold and tired, she also got poked in the eye with an inflatable wing, which did not go over well.  I would have yelled at the kid who did it but it was daddy who was with her at the time, so I didn't get to.

Oh and one last thing, her bucket was small so we brought a pillowcase for transferring to.  So the first transfer I emptied all of it, and I gave her back the bucket and she saw that it was empty, and she started yelling "chips mummy chips!", the one thing she noticed that the bag of chips was gone, so  I had to put back the bag of chips so she would stop yelling in the middle of the road.  She is so funny and precious, she almost makes up for her terrible two's...almost. 

All in all Halloween was a hit, can't wait till Christmas!

Okay so I am a horrible mother

I went to church yesterday, which I should be doing more often but monkey has been a terror in church lately, which makes it hard to justify going.  That being said I had planned to go with a couple we are friends with and they were there to pick up the fish in the the couryard pond, like they do every winter, then they return them in the spring.

Funnily enough in an off shoot of the the story they returned the 3 fish last spring and now there were 9-10 of them, they were getting busy aparently.

So after church we all went down to the pond to catch the fish and bring them back to their house, then have a nice lunch.  Monkey decided to run around the sundial in the courtyard, which was fine till she saw the fish in the pond, and she loves fish.  She came to the edge of the pond to look, and then no one knows what happened, until we all noticed she fell in the pond, bare legs and all.  It was not a deep pond, like maybe 3-4 inches and her head never even hit the water, but man was she mad and COLD.  So we immediately got her out and got her out of her wet clothes and wrapped in our jackets and sweaters.

The part that makes me a bad mom is the fact that I could not stop laughing, it was just so funny to me.  The couple who are also expecting a child in March had to laugh too, she is a graduate of the child care program at CEGEP and loves children, but she was laughing too.  I did have some dry clothes for her in the car, not a dry diaper, but clothes are a good first step.  So I feel horrible for laughing,and it still makes me chuckle now.   I am a horrible mother, can you forgive me?

It's okay to talk about it

It's always been the elephant in the room.  People who know don't talk about it because it upsets them or they think it will upset me.  I have come to terms with what happened, why hasn't everyone else?  I know you think it is impolite to bring up such matters around me, but I welcome it.  I cherish the times I get to talk about it, and answer questions, and be open.  Time has passed and my life has gone on, I know it has affected me and it always will but the pain has lessened.  People who I considered friends, now have stopped talking to me because they think that their having children will make me sad or god forbid I touch them because something might happen.  This is not a disease I can pass on, this is not something I would wish on anyone else.

That being said I was worried when she was born, I was paranoid about everything.  I cried more then than I had in a while, but that time passed as she aged.  Now I have the oldest among all my friends, and they are starting to start too.  And yet people worry that this will happen to their children, that because they know me.  If their children happen to be in the NICU too, I can't reminisce about how great the staff there are, and how friendly and helpful they are.  No because that wouldn't be okay, that means they have to think about things that happened.  Why should it bother them more than it bothers me?  I understand people don't want to be sad, that it is painful for them to think of.

I am tired of there being an elephant in the room.  I am tired of friends walking away, and people tiptoeing around me because they don't want to hurt me.

And I do think of it everyday, but my life has moved past the trauma, and this elephant is getting annoying.  I want to be able to say how great the time was, and that I see him in her eyes and smile.  That I am sure he would have been a neuroscientist by now.  But in saying that I know that we wouldn't have her, and she lights up our lives everyday.

I know if it hadn't happened my entire family would be different, people would not have had the problems they did and I feel badly enough, that in essence I caused the problems for them.

I know if it hadn't happened that I would not have become close with the friends I have now, because so many friends ran away as fast as they could, when all I needed was them to be close.

So I am asking and pleading for my "friends" to banish that damn elephant, and get real.  I am here and present ready to be your friend, where are you?  It's like waiting at a train station and the damn train keeps not coming.  I am putting in my effort, where's yours?